HOLY WAR AND PEACE - PART ONE

In the first of a series of posts, I will explore the spiritual nature of my psychoses and spontaneous altered states of consciousness. In following posts I will expand on things I introduce here, but for now, I hope you find this interesting....

PART ONE: *Spiritual Emergency and  Psychosis

Back To Basics

I spent an interesting few hours reading my my medical notes today. I went right back to 1998. My first admission.

Several things struck me, most notably how stubborn I was in those early years. I did not stick to medication and I especially did not want anti-psychotics. I would cancel or not attend my psychiatric appointments. I slipped in and out of the system as I continuously relapsed with manic psychotic hospital admissions and depression.

My reasons were very clear to me. I was not trying to be difficult. I had some strong personal beliefs about my condition, psychiatric medicine and the circumstances which led to my first admission. These beliefs polarised me away from traditional, mainstream psychiatric thought and practise. My stance at the time was steeped in a personally constructed spiritual framework. I was not led by or part of any organisation or cohesive group. No specific individuals actually directed me to think the things I did. Any influences by anyone else were subtle and subject to my interpretation. This framework was an evolution of entirely personal experience. It was built from ideas and concepts which I studied and followed into a state of belief.

Holy Ordering

To understand someone's spiritual beliefs when they differ from ours, requires a genuine willingness to consider alternate opinion and depending on the depth to which understanding is sought, potentially rather a lot needs to be known about that person. I think I would have to write a full auto-biography to fulfil requirements for that purpose!

In a neat nutshell for accessible comprehension, the main influences you could ascribe to this personally constructed framework would be a New Age mixture. There were some Christian, Spiritualist and  Wiccan elements too.

On the surface it might have appeared a bit of a pick and mix selection, although it was not built with any kind of casual approach. Far from it.

The Goddess Speaks !

In January 1998 when I was first admitted to psychiatric hospital, I was escorted in dressed and made up immaculately. I was perfectly calm and composed. Eloquently with great dignity and patience I explained that I was a goddess who had come to bring enlightenment to everyone on Earth. I said I had ascended into a heavenly state whilst still incarnate in a human body and that I had crossed into a parallel dimension of Earth reality to one where my spiritual teachings were to be given. I also told them I had travelled through time to be there. I assume I gave the nurses a very interesting evening …..although they are more than used to people in states of acute psychosis.

My consultant psychiatrist wrote that I was:-

“ feeling extremely happy, felt that she had special powers and that she had been given a special mission to show the world a new spiritual way.... Miranda felt that she was a goddess with healing powers “.

Gradually over the next few weeks whilst on a steady daily dose of anti-psychotics, these beliefs “gradually subsided”.

How I came to be in that state is intricately wound through many complicated events. But I am far from unique in having this kind of “divine revelation” experience. It is surprisingly common. I once met someone who told me a story of when he believed he had become Jesus to such a degree that he got on a plane and went to Jerusalem to the Wailing Wall believing the world would be assembled there waiting for him. I do meet some very interesting people.

The Spinning Wheel

To tell the honest truth and lay it bare, being admitted into hospital on 26^th January 1998 was like pricking my finger on a poisoned spinning wheel and falling into horrific sleep where I fought holy and unholy battles.

For 16 years since then I have juggled, grappled and stumbled through nightmares and dreams, depression and elation, I have battled valleys of shadow and dark nights of the soul, sung with angels and touched the white fire of the stars. It has been dizzying, caught in an endless circling web of mania, depression, spiritual revelation, medication and side effects, mental crisis, denial, apathy all without end or resolution in the labyrinth of the mind and soul.

But eventually I found a light. Right in the heart of the dark labyrinth. There was me. The me who
cannot be snatched by devils or overwhelmed by angels. Humble and proud. And free.

After The War

The fibres and filaments of my spiritual, mental, emotional and purely human framework are still as delicate as they ever were but there is a crucial difference. There is a resilience born from a life lived thoroughly and victories hard won. Now, I guide all the strings with complete ownership and responsibility.

Perhaps mainstream psychiatry and New Age subscribers both feel unsure about where I stand on my experiences now. The answer is balance.  Basically,  I have a clarity that serves me perfectly and a system of balance that is healthy. I take medication and I have a very peaceful inner sense of spiritual connection which goes beyond words.

But the way I made through the labyrinth is one I now share and there is substance there that is inspiring and helpful for others.

Just remember what lies in the heart of it. That is what matters.

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HOLY WAR AND PEACE part II  will follow soon and will discuss my
"way through the labyrinth" in more detail , the tools and strategies I use to find a path
of balance and resilience.

" It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours.
  It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell "       - Buddha.

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* The term “spiritual emergency” was first coined by renowned psychiatrist and pioneering 
   leader in consciousness research Stanislav Grof in around 1980.

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Whose Afraid Of The Big Black Dog ?

WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BLACK DOG ? **12th AUGUST 2014** REPUBLISHED POST: Since originally publishing this poem last week, Robin Wiliams has died in circumstances concurrent with suicide after a battle with depression. The Black Dog of depression is indeed something that is totally unpredicatble and an utter mystery to all beyond the sufferer as we each experience it in our own unique, terrifying way.

With heartfelt respect to this great actor, inspirational hero to me, I dedicate this republication of my poem and vow to keep striving in my ongoing battles and determination to focus on positivity and inspiration wherever I can find it. I found it readily in Robin Williams and at this sad time of his passing my heart is truly heavy.

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Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?
Why - the pigs whose houses fell !
And Red Riding Hood
In the deep dark wood
Had reason to fear as well.

But a Big Black Dog leaves you alive for dead ...
You feel nothing inside , you're a stranger
No house of bricks
Or woodsman's tricks
Can do much to stave off the danger.

 Depression is dangerous - it threatens your life
With invisible hands in your gloves -
It's a menacing claw
That is both you and not yours,
That grabs and pushes and shoves.

But heroes and heroines make peace with their Dog
Tame him and set loose his chain ...
He may wander or stray
But accepting his way
Is making a truce with pain

For me, a quiet stand off works in the woods
( I am the girl in the red ...)
I have shown him my hand -
 I'm prepared to stand …
With nothing inside my head.

And I notice he'll sit as I watch him
Waiting for me to flinch
But I'm not giving in
I'm not budging
I'm not giving the Black Dog an inch.

If I let him pass by he'll return

Unchecked again and again

I would rather my way

Be how things should stay

With a peace I can bear to remain.

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Thank you again to the talented Diana Muller  for her artwork from her beautiful pen and ink series.

Awareness – A Double-Edged Sword

I was declared bipolar long before it became trendy. I am an authentic, vintage, original first edition. None of this post-millennial, on-trend “mentally fragile” for me. This may not seem like a very PC article. Do read on.

Nowadays, if you aren't bipolar or depressed or something it appears you are no-one in Celebrity-ville. Crazy is the new cool. You need a good, edgy sounding mental health condition to maintain street cred in the media. Then, the watching drowsy masses can bleat and roll on to the bandwagon. And before you know it, you encounter someone perfectly healthy proclaiming themselves to be bipolar because they saw it on telly. ( I am not saying 
                                                                                   everyone is histrionically faking mental illness. Do bear with )

People throw psychiatric terminology around that they don't understand. This is because:-

1. Terminology like “bipolar” has entered mainstream vocabulary as a turn of phrase.

2. There are higher rates of diagnoses / illnesses covered in the media than 15 years ago

Now, there are some positive effects here; Anti-stigma campaigns have a better starting point for their conversations if people have at least heard of the term borderline personality disorder, for example. But – you also get an awful lot of headless chickens running around abusing the terms : “ Wow, my friend's Aunty Joyce is bipolar for sure. She says she can hear lettuce”. I think this just creates a new layer of stigma which is counter productive. Awareness is a double edge sword - education may lie on its' shiny upper surface but perhaps underneath could do with a polish.

People have always joked about madness and mental illness and they always will. But we are caught in a different craziness now where we are actively trying to identify with serious, debilitating and life threatening illnesses when it really does not apply to us. Depression is a life-threatening illness. Bipolar is debilitating. Schizophrenia is very, very serious. Are we doing this for attention because we need help, or are we confused? Are we so caught up in our consumerism of media-heroin that we subconsciously drive ourselves to become mimics of its own puppets?

I am not talking about being inspired by those who speak out. I am probably still alive because Stephen Fry became publicly well known as bipolar when he did. I am talking about the equivalent of going around saying you have cerebral palsy because you are terminally clumsy or of telling everyone that you are positive your cousin's girlfriend has leukaemia for no good reason.

There will always be silly people who behave ignorantly which is even more reason to pursue ways to enhance our understanding everyday. By doing so, people who need help get it. Lives really are saved. Real heroes stand in the light of their own drawn sword and what they choose to do with it.