The Smallest Twine

" Being that I flow in grief , the smallest twine may lead me"

Much Ado About Nothing  - William Shakespeare

Much Ado About Nothing is one of my favourite plays.... it really is an awful lot of fuss about a fairly flimsy bit of plot which would clearly never happen in real life - BUT - that isn't the point ! I still like it and I watched the 1993 film version starring Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh just the other day.

Sculpture by artist Toin Adams

It was Shakespeare's birthday this week and I choose to acknowledge that by stealing one of his quotes for this post. Leonato, the uncle of the lovely young Hero, is staggered to discover that she is accused of being wth another man the night before her wedding. It turns out in the end that she wasn't but he doesn't know that at first and he is absoutely beside himself with despair. The priest believes she is innocent however and suggests to him that they pretend she is dead until they uncover what has actually happened. ( !  I know ! ) Leonato, in his anguish says "Being that I flow in grief, the smallest twine may lead me".

Now, I'm no expert, but I don't think ropey, deliberately concocted lies about a bride-to-be's virginity are commonplace tragic issues any longer, but that evocative line really jumped out at me. For me, it totally descibes that extraordinary feeling in the grips of depression when I simply cannot think for myself any longer.

When I'm depressed I have a really limited capacity for feeling. The hollowness and sheer desolation of depression steals that away entirely. I feel numb, blank and removed from myself. I have found that I become quite open to emotional suggestion.  If a notion occurs to me that feels like it will relieve or change the living death in which I exist, I will follow it like a broken, unthinking, whipped animal .

This suggestion,  or "small twine",  can be positive or negative or even a psychotic hallucination, but it holds great power.  For example, the notion of suicide .... the absence of positivity and the potential of a tortured mind is a lethal cocktail. The desire for an end to the pain is so strong that it doesn't take much to get lost in the idea. Or, the promise of healing and disease management from flower essences, homeopathy and various alternative therapies when anything seems worth trying.  I tried but to be honest my terrifyingly immense waves of mania black holes of depression have overpowered any and all alternative methods. I always end up hospitalised and drugged to the gills. I know that there is value to alternative treatments - I desperately wanted them to work for me, but they never did. Or I will simply heap all my faith and hope at the feet of some perceived "guru" who I imagine to hold all the answers and explanations to my problems. I have gone after bits of twine all over the place - good , bad and some truly fantastical. There is limited, dubious and often totally absent judgment in the mind when it is ill, suffering and in pain. That is when questionable and dangerous choice are made.

So I call out to those who care about us. I call out to the husbands, wives, fathers and mothers, partners, lovers, daughters, sons, friends and colleagues of the 1 in 4 people in this world who live with the daily soul-destroying erosion of the spirit visited upon us by illnesses NOT of our choosing or design. When you feel you simply cannot understand, when you feel frustrated, confused, rejected, lost, manipulated, abused, taken for granted, forgotten - when you feel we make too much out of it, when you feel it has no substance or is some modern indulgence (after all, people never had mental illnes in the old days) ... when you feel powerless, helpless, ineffectual and alone and you want to escape it all too..... please know that the smallest things can lead the way. For you and for us.

We don't need superhuman, epic feats of heroism. A simple inner resolve on your part to keep trying, listening and learning may be the small twine that we can reach for. You do not have all the answers and you cannot fix us. But, there may come a moment when you are the sole reason we choose to carry on. For that, we thank you.

And as we flow in our grief and confusion, may we yet find the twine that draws us to safer shores.

Original artwork featured  is a sculpture by Toin Adams - click to visit website

Photograph:  Olhos d' Agua beach, Algarve, Portugal.